You always bring yourself

Last weekend we binged both seasons of The Flight Attendant - what can I say, we like to be fashionably late. And though the first season is much more whodunnit than the second, it was the second season that really stayed with me.

I think that mostly the show resonated so strongly with me because of the struggle. These last two weeks I've been struggling with a tiny addiction recovery of my own, and surprisingly enough it is not chocolate. Apparently over the years I have become addicted to... Nasal drops of all things. And apparently nasal drops are not good for you. I won't say for how long, or how many bottles a week I'v been using, but I will say I have been refusing to budge on the issue for a while now. 
But the last few of months have been rough, unrelated to drops, just rough. And I needed something I can control (or more self-punishment).
So I've decided to go for the drops.

It has not been (or actually it is not) easy. 
Of course physically it's been hell, but I was prepared for that. What caught me by surprise was the emotional bit, and most of all, how many times a day I feel like I can't breathe. 

It's amazing how in this one decision I've exposed so many things I've worked very hard to forget, conceal, or ignore. I've worked so hard since we left Berlin (way back in 2016) to control my anxiety, and to develop healthy(ish) coping mechanisms, so I will never again feel like I don't have air. And for the most part it worked. Or so I thought. It was very difficult to discover how many of those coping mechanisms were dependent on those small bottles.     

In the show, there's this one moment in episode 6, where Penny (yes, I know it's supposed to say Cassie there) says -"I thought if I quit drinking, all my problems would go away, but they're still here!” 
And it hurts because it's true.

I remember the all the times we had that same thought... It wasn't to do with drinking, but it was similar enough - if we just change the job, and in our case mostly change the country, all our problems will magically disappear.
It was when our relocation offer to Australia fell through (way back in 2008, the year that will forever be named "the year of almost", because we almost had a baby, a relocation, a house, a thesis), that we started to figure out that though it would be really nice if things worked this way, they really don't.
It was the first time it hit us - there is no magic action that solves it all.  
But it was our cross-Europe trip in 2016 where we left everything behind (and in storage) that it really hit us that it doesn't matter what you do, or where you go, you always bring yourself along. 

Now, it's not that I thought if I stopped using nasal drops my life will change, my troubles will disappear, or that I will become someone else. I did think it will be more cost effective, though the amount of money I spent on natural substitutes will disagree, but mostly I thought I'd gain some sort of control.
As it turns out, what I gained was 5 pounds.