I’ve lost my writing mojo.
It’s been a while, and when asked why I never write anymore I usually blame the kids (we do, after all, have an understanding of mutual blamability whenever we need a way to get out of things quickly), or I blame work (I do, after all, spend a fair amount of my time writing other people’s stories), but the truth is I’ve just lost my mojo.
But our theme this year is tackling things head-on, and though I tried (numerous times) to change it to “avoiding things as much as possible” here I am, trying to get my mojo back. And it is so much harder than I thought it would be.
It’s so many little things that all accumulated over time and now I just feel like I don’t have a platform, or a subject, or an audience, but most importantly, that I don’t have a voice.
I do, however have plenty of doubts, anxiety, and fears, which I combat by also having a lot of chocolate. And Ice cream (because it’s summer, we’ve been having these annoying heatwaves that don’t help anything, and mostly because we bought a really cool Ninja Creami). And I’ve reached level 6,421 in Candy Crush (which is an achievement in itself I think).
I remember a few months back, in one of our courses, someone asked me about my writing process. The thing is, I’ve never had a process… It used to be that I had an idea, then I would sit and write it all in one go, and whatever ended up on the page went online.
I don’t do re-reading, corrections, and changes, partly because of somewhat ADHDish tendencies, and partly because if I question one thing then I question everything.
And right now, I am questioning everything.
Somewhere along the line I’ve lost my ability to write like nobody’s reading, and to publish like nobody’s criticising.
You see, I’ve been writing this in my head for the past three weeks and I still don’t know exactly what I want to say, I still feel like it’s both not enough and too much at the same time, and I am still changing it every single day.
And at the same time, this is what makes it so important to post this highly embarrassing post. Because letting fear win is such a slippery slope. It starts with posting, and ends with agoraphobia. So we are tackling things head on, and I am re-starting my writing.
Or at last I am going to try.
Mostly because I’ve already organised the house, did the laundry and made sure none of my kids wants to talk to me.
Or, basically, because I have no choice.